Quest To Motherdom

AWAKE..

It’s funny to me that NBC premiered a show called AWAKE shortly after my miscarriage. For all of you who don ‘t know the show AWAKE is about a guy who can’t tell which reality he is asleep or awake in. In one reality he is with his wife and in the other he is with his son. In both realities he is a cop and he uses clues from both realities to solve a crime. It’s actually a genus plot. He references both realities to his therapist (yes he has one in each reality). To me its the perfect scenario because that is how I feel everyday. I keep waiting for someone to wake me up. Like I am in the ICU somewhere in a coma and I am just living this day to day because I am stuck in the coma.

Weird thought huh. But its how I feel. I feel like its Groundhogs Day and I am Bill Murry, I wake up EVERYDAY and its the same day. I have no baby in my womb, Nick is still NOT in my life, and I feel alone as ever. It’s strange because I have become the girl I have spent so much time in my life trying not to be. The girl who gets knocked up by the low life that doesn’t want to acknowledge the baby.

All these books smarts but now worldly smarts I seem to have.

The WORST Day of my LIFE… And other odds and ends.

SO. 2/26/12. The day my little Angel Tuesday went to live with the lord. Sorta cliche don’t you think. When I think about death I think older person. Like my aunt.. She was older and sure I wasn’t ready for her to die but it was easier to accept so to speak. But on 2/27/12 when I felt Tuesday slipping away from me my whole perspective was fucked up about death and dying.

I have had people die in my life. My grandparents, aunts and uncles, even close friends. I felt hallow for sometime but this feeling I feel is NOTHING like the emptiness I currently feel on a daily basis. And I can only explain it as this…

My child didn’t make it to the earth.

And that resonates in me every time I breathe. I do a pretty good job of ignoring that fact to get through the day but mostly it take a all of my energy to do so. And on TODAY I was reminded of just how exhausting that could be.

Today I didn’t have to hide my sadness. Or pretend I wasn’t sad or to even talk myself into anything. I was just able to be myself and as happy as that made me I still felt like I was walking through the world with foggy glasses on. It’s a weird feeling those foggy glasses.

I guess I just want to feel normal again. Wake up excited about life and get back to losing the weight and working our 5 days a week and all that jazz. But I don’t feel like it. And that scares me.

So I still feel stuck here. I want to remember what it is like to enjoy life and love and to feel supported and good. I just keep wondering when that is gonna happen.